We must win the war on FIRE
We must win the war on FIRE. Fire burned us when we cooked our first meal, when we spilled our first McDonald’s coffee on our lap, and innocent civilians are taken down by fire.
Fire doesn’t care if you are a good Christian, or whether your last Christmas tree was nicely decorated (it will burn your tree down without remorse). Fire will kill you even when it is “friendly” fire. We cannot allow fire to consume our country. Or our planet.
Fire is responsible for wiping out our wildlife and wild brush in California. It will take not only your job, but the company you work in. Fire is responsible for burning the Library of Alexandria in 50 B.C. (For context, imagine losing the entire internet today!) Fire destroyed Chicago in 1871 and was sponsored by a COW! Fire and this pyromaniac cow killed hundreds and destroyed about four square miles.
We must not give an inch of flammable material to those cows that would harbor fire and which hold no respect for life of us who want nothing but their freedom. Let this message be heard loud and clear: We will not tolerate sponsors of fire and those who would harbor fire.
“We’re in a new world. We’re in a world in which the possibility of fire, married up with technology, could make us very, very sorry that we didn’t act.
-Condoleeza Rice“In a world of inhumanity, war and fire, American citizenship is a very precious possession.”
Phyllis Schlafly“This was not an act of arson, but it was an act of war.”
George W. Bush“The war we are fighting today against fire is a multifaceted fight. We have to use every tool in our toolkit to wage this war - water, water hydrants, long water hoses, special foam, water-boarding, and of course, water - and we are developing new tools as we go along.”
Richard Armitage“Fire can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but it cannot touch the foundation of America.
Fire melts steel, but it cannot melt the steel of American resolve.”
–George W. Bush Address to the US after fire burned the US World Trade Centers and Pentagon, September 11, 2001“There is no meeting of minds, no point of understanding with such fire. Just a choice: put it out or be burned by it. And put it out we must.”
Tony Blair“Fire made me cruel.”
Emily Brontë“Did you know Hell is filled with FIRE?”
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Those who worship fire will stop at nothing to destroy us.
Did you know hell is filled with FIRE and brimstone? 5 out of 4 reverends recommend avoiding Hell.
We must fight the war on fire to make the world safer. Did you know Hindus harbor cows? And whosoever harbors cows is our enemy. Cows started the 1871 fire.
Cows also spread propaganda like wildfire. Did you ever hear the phrase “Eat Mor Chikin®” Those are the words of cows. Cows that will stop at nothing to see our atmosphere burn up. Do not be fooled by their propaganda.
And let me say this: If you are not willing to fight the war on fire, you do not deserve to NOT be enveloped in flames.
We must slaughter every cow and make no excuses when we eat it raw (remember, there is a war on fire), in front of Hindus. We must not appease to the cows and the Hindus that harbor them.
If you are not against friendly fire, you are with enemy fire. That makes you a traitor. Why don’t you fight with the Hindus?
You know what else about fire? It’s so easy a caveman can do it. Do you want cavemen teaching your children to start fires in your home? I didn’t think so. And gecko poo isn’t clean either.
Once Iran has fire, it will be an irreversible change that will mark a defining moment in the history of the United States and of Western civilization, which will forever alter life at the mercy of hate-filled suicidal fanatics and sadists.
We must therefore taunt Iran in the WATER.
(Yay, Blair!)
And when the war on fire has been won. And when all fire has been extinguished, no one will complain of global warming, for the new trend will be global cooling.
We will then need to turn on our ELECTRIC stoves on all the way to save the planet.
We must burn ALL books on fire, so that fire can never be created again. It will be a big fire. But nobody said the war on fire would be short or easy. We sometimes must make sacrifices. If that means starting a fire to put it out, well, we must fight fire with fire. (No, that doesn’t make us arsonists because two wrong fires, make a right.)
Now, some people don’t think fire is a threat. Well, those are the people we must BURN, on a STAKE! Holding their feet to the fire WILL show them just how dangerous fire is. And that’s how we’ll win them over.
We must distribute flammable ads (soaked in oil) with pictures of people burning and flammable U.S. flags. If people are not afraid of fire, how can we possibly win the war on fire?
We must remind the people that fire is a threat by burning a house down every now and then. We must have a fire alert flash on every major news network to warn us of the local humidity and chance of fire.
We must outlaw all spicy food. Any Mexican who eats spicy food is also the enemy. We must burn all Mexican restaurants in the United States and close the borders to prevent the spread of hot food. We must send refrigerators abroad to spread frigidism and wetness.
People in third world countries didn’t ask for our help, but frigidism and wetness is what’s good for them. (They are so stupid!) Only by establishing frigidism and wetness in the Middle East can we protect the American people of fire.
If you do not oppose fire you are the enemy and we will set you on fire.
