Don’t like my ideology? I’ll adopt yours!
I get the feeling you readers out there don’t all like my ideology. Of course that is to be expected since I am a neoconservative, the true and only principle based ideology (not to be confused with neonazi.)
Anyway, to make the Spin Factor as Fair and Balanced as possible I offer the following: Don’t like my ideology? I’ll adopt yours! Are you an Al-Qaeda leader lacking good writing skills? I’ll help you out (but don’t tell Bush, I don’t want to be put on a no-fly list). Are you a liberal like Clinton in need for some love? I’ll write a personal ad for you and find you a cute intern.
Of course, you may not agree with me, but I certainly agree with you.
Ahmadinejad, I’ve almost finished your article on Why we need to adopt nuclear energy and stop worrying.
And Saddam, I almost finished writing Why I shouldn’t be hanged today – but I had some trouble with adjectival phrases that day, plus Bush needed a one-liner on what he would do that day (“I decided to go to sleep early and didn’t watch the execution”) and it was really hard to write. Then again, I’m still working on it. I know you are dead already, but maybe Bush will regret hanging you when he reads it: Here is an excerpt:
And that, fellow world citizens, is why my life should be spared. Nevertheless, I have some confessions to make in case I die:
To George Bush Senior: Love, I’m sorry I couldn’t quit you. I’m sorry you cheated on Barbara because of me. Maybe this hanging is what I deserve for letting you commit such a beautiful sin. The thing with Donald Rumsfeld was just a fling – I never loved him. I hope you can forgive me someday.
To George Bush Junior: I’m sorry you could never love me as a step-father. I tried. I really did. I never told you this, but when I was dating your father I always fantasized about you and I. And sometimes Bill O’Reilly, too. There’s just something manly and Irish about him.
To all Iraqi citizens: [This is where I left off... sorry Saddam].
As you can see, you need to submit your requests on time. I get calls from Castro everyday and he takes up a lot of my time. He is always babbling on about how his own doctors can’t keep him alive and how he wants me to take over Cuba in his place. But I declined. Here is my letter to Fidel:
It would have been a great honor to serve this nation again. But after thoughtful discussions with people both in and outside of this administration, I concluded that the current Havana decision-making process lacks a linkage to a broader view of the region and how the parts fit together strategically.
I know it sounds a lot like John H. Sheehan’s article, Why I declined to serve (but everyone needs a ghost writer, right?) John H. Sheehan is my ghost writer. He just doesn’t know it.
So if there’s an article you heroes want me to write, I want to write it. 5/4 dictators recommend my services (Bush is the fifth, but he declined to be included).