I get the feeling you readers out there don’t all like my ideology. Of course that is to be expected since I am a neoconservative, the true and only principle based ideology (not to be confused with neonazi.)
Anyway, to make the Spin Factor as Fair and Balanced as possible I offer the following: Don’t like my ideology? I’ll adopt yours! Are you an Al-Qaeda leader lacking good writing skills? I’ll help you out (but don’t tell Bush, I don’t want to be put on a no-fly list). Are you a liberal like Clinton in need for some love? I’ll write a personal ad for you and find you a cute intern.
Of course, you may not agree with me, but I certainly agree with you.
Ahmadinejad, I’ve almost finished your article on Why we need to adopt nuclear energy and stop worrying.
And Saddam, I almost finished writing Why I shouldn’t be hanged today - but I had some trouble with adjectival phrases that day, plus Bush needed a one-liner on what he would do that day (”I decided to go to sleep early and didn’t watch the execution”) and it was really hard to write. Then again, I’m still working on it. I know you are dead already, but maybe Bush will regret hanging you when he reads it: Here is an excerpt:
And that, fellow world citizens, is why my life should be spared. Nevertheless, I have some confessions to make in case I die:
To George Bush Senior: Love, I’m sorry I couldn’t quit you. I’m sorry you cheated on Barbara because of me. Maybe this hanging is what I deserve for letting you commit such a beautiful sin. The thing with Donald Rumsfeld was just a fling - I never loved him. I hope you can forgive me someday.
To George Bush Junior: I’m sorry you could never love me as a step-father. I tried. I really did. I never told you this, but when I was dating your father I always fantasized about you and I. And sometimes Bill O’Reilly, too. There’s just something manly and Irish about him.
To all Iraqi citizens: [This is where I left off… sorry Saddam].
As you can see, you need to submit your requests on time. I get calls from Castro everyday and he takes up a lot of my time. He is always babbling on about how his own doctors can’t keep him alive and how he wants me to take over Cuba in his place. But I declined. Here is my letter to Fidel:
It would have been a great honor to serve this nation again. But after thoughtful discussions with people both in and outside of this administration, I concluded that the current Havana decision-making process lacks a linkage to a broader view of the region and how the parts fit together strategically.
I know it sounds a lot like John H. Sheehan’s article, Why I declined to serve (but everyone needs a ghost writer, right?) John H. Sheehan is my ghost writer. He just doesn’t know it.
So if there’s an article you heroes want me to write, I want to write it. 5/4 dictators recommend my services (Bush is the fifth, but he declined to be included).
April 17th, 2007
Posted by
eaglescout |
Al-Qaeda, Journalism, Satire, Liberals, Neoconservatives, Terrorism, Democrats, Truth |
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We must win the war on FIRE. Fire burned us when we cooked our first meal, when we spilled our first McDonald’s coffee on our lap, and innocent civilians are taken down by fire.
Fire doesn’t care if you are a good Christian, or whether your last Christmas tree was nicely decorated (it will burn your tree down without remorse). Fire will kill you even when it is “friendly” fire. We cannot allow fire to consume our country. Or our planet.
Fire is responsible for wiping out our wildlife and wild brush in California. It will take not only your job, but the company you work in. Fire is responsible for burning the Library of Alexandria in 50 B.C. (For context, imagine losing the entire internet today!) Fire destroyed Chicago in 1871 and was sponsored by a COW! Fire and this pyromaniac cow killed hundreds and destroyed about four square miles.
We must not give an inch of flammable material to those cows that would harbor fire and which hold no respect for life of us who want nothing but their freedom. Let this message be heard loud and clear: We will not tolerate sponsors of fire and those who would harbor fire.
“We’re in a new world. We’re in a world in which the possibility of fire, married up with technology, could make us very, very sorry that we didn’t act.
-Condoleeza Rice
“In a world of inhumanity, war and fire, American citizenship is a very precious possession.”
Phyllis Schlafly
“This was not an act of arson, but it was an act of war.”
George W. Bush
“The war we are fighting today against fire is a multifaceted fight. We have to use every tool in our toolkit to wage this war - water, water hydrants, long water hoses, special foam, water-boarding, and of course, water - and we are developing new tools as we go along.”
Richard Armitage
“Fire can shake the foundations of our biggest buildings, but it cannot touch the foundation of America.
Fire melts steel, but it cannot melt the steel of American resolve.”
–George W. Bush Address to the US after fire burned the US World Trade Centers and Pentagon, September 11, 2001
“There is no meeting of minds, no point of understanding with such fire. Just a choice: put it out or be burned by it. And put it out we must.”
Tony Blair
“Fire made me cruel.”
Emily Brontë
“Did you know Hell is filled with FIRE?”
Më
Those who worship fire will stop at nothing to destroy us.
Did you know hell is filled with FIRE and brimstone? 5 out of 4 reverends recommend avoiding Hell.
We must fight the war on fire to make the world safer. Did you know Hindus harbor cows? And whosoever harbors cows is our enemy. Cows started the 1871 fire.
Cows also spread propaganda like wildfire. Did you ever hear the phrase “Eat Mor Chikin®” Those are the words of cows. Cows that will stop at nothing to see our atmosphere burn up. Do not be fooled by their propaganda.
And let me say this: If you are not willing to fight the war on fire, you do not deserve to NOT be enveloped in flames.
We must slaughter every cow and make no excuses when we eat it raw (remember, there is a war on fire), in front of Hindus. We must not appease to the cows and the Hindus that harbor them.
If you are not against friendly fire, you are with enemy fire. That makes you a traitor. Why don’t you fight with the Hindus?
You know what else about fire? It’s so easy a caveman can do it. Do you want cavemen teaching your children to start fires in your home? I didn’t think so. And gecko poo isn’t clean either.
Once Iran has fire, it will be an irreversible change that will mark a defining moment in the history of the United States and of Western civilization, which will forever alter life at the mercy of hate-filled suicidal fanatics and sadists.
We must therefore taunt Iran in the WATER.
(Yay, Blair!)
And when the war on fire has been won. And when all fire has been extinguished, no one will complain of global warming, for the new trend will be global cooling.
We will then need to turn on our ELECTRIC stoves on all the way to save the planet.
We must burn ALL books on fire, so that fire can never be created again. It will be a big fire. But nobody said the war on fire would be short or easy. We sometimes must make sacrifices. If that means starting a fire to put it out, well, we must fight fire with fire. (No, that doesn’t make us arsonists because two wrong fires, make a right.)
Now, some people don’t think fire is a threat. Well, those are the people we must BURN, on a STAKE! Holding their feet to the fire WILL show them just how dangerous fire is. And that’s how we’ll win them over.
We must distribute flammable ads (soaked in oil) with pictures of people burning and flammable U.S. flags. If people are not afraid of fire, how can we possibly win the war on fire?
We must remind the people that fire is a threat by burning a house down every now and then. We must have a fire alert flash on every major news network to warn us of the local humidity and chance of fire.
We must outlaw all spicy food. Any Mexican who eats spicy food is also the enemy. We must burn all Mexican restaurants in the United States and close the borders to prevent the spread of hot food. We must send refrigerators abroad to spread frigidism and wetness.
People in third world countries didn’t ask for our help, but frigidism and wetness is what’s good for them. (They are so stupid!) Only by establishing frigidism and wetness in the Middle East can we protect the American people of fire.
If you do not oppose fire you are the enemy and we will set you on fire.
April 4th, 2007
Posted by
eaglescout |
Fire, environment, Cows, Evil Elements, War on Fire, Al-Qaeda, Liberals, Iraq War, Terrorism, Democrats, Neoconservatives, Truth |
one comment
Self-help got the better of professional blogger Steve Pavlina on March 2006 when he carefully crafted a timed grenade in his kitchen counter and set the timer to four seconds before hiding outside his children’s bedroom in an act of desperation he calls “bear-bombing”. Steve Pavlina, a self-help guru, complains he couldn’t “bear” having his children sleep past dawn.
“Then in one fluid movement, I hit the timer’s start button, open the door, and lob the bear grenade onto the bed before closing the door and diving for cover. As the bear grenade explodes with thunderous noise, I enjoy sadistic amusement at the bear’s adrenaline-fueled confusion at being forcibly roused”
Not only does Pavlina “enjoy sadistic amusement”, but the children (bears) do not instantly die. Instead they are struck with “adrenaline fueled confusion”.
Did the children survive? And perhaps more importantly, should the author be classified as a blogger or a journalist.
A one-on-one interview with our anonymous Sadism, Infanticide and Self-Help chief correspondent quotes Pavlina: “What’s the difference between Sharia Law and Capitalism? None, really. In Iraq you may divorce your wife by texting her ‘I divorce you’ 3 times. In the United States you can lose your job by the following two words: ‘You’re fired’. [sic, it’s actually 3, Steve].”
When asked to elaborate Steve said: “Does putting yourself in a position where someone else can turn off all your income just by saying two words (’You’re fired’) sound like a safe and secure situation to you?” Of course not, Steve. We’d much rather live homeless in Iraq because “Not only can we win the war in Iraq, we are winning the war in Iraq“.
Thought, Steve Pavlina’s actions are slightly questionable, I’d much rather send my children to the war (to be turned into bloody hamburger by an exploding grenade) than go myself. Especially since I’m for the war.
March 25th, 2007
Posted by
eaglescout |
War on blogs, Liberals, Terrorism, Iraq War |
no comments
I was looking for neoconservative blogs and came across this sick article making fun of VP Dick Cheney.
Crooks and Liars has this priceless rebuke from Vietnam vet and former Senator Max Cleland to VP Cheney who took 5 deferments from the Vietnam draft. Most of the guys in my college dorm couldn’t get 1.
Well, guess what, idolator.net. This is just proof that VP Cheney is smarter than all your college dorm buddies. This means he is smart enough to perpetuate a war in Iraq forever. This means we will never have to fight at home (unless Cheney dies from a heart attack before then) at the cost of only 10-11 soldiers a day.
I’ll be keeping an eye on your blog very closely. Anybody who attacks Cheney is attacking our country and emboldening the terrorists. Every time you attack Cheney a blood vessel near his heart pops. If you continue to help terrorists, I will add you to my enemy blog roll along with Al-Qaeda, possibly until the war is over. You liberals sicken me.
**Update**
I have declared war on your site. I will send your domain name to Al-Qaeda. Don’t expect a response; even if I made a mistake.
March 18th, 2007
Posted by
eaglescout |
War on blogs, Liberals, Neoconservatives, Terrorism, Iraq War |
no comments