Satire: Reasons to join the military.
As a follow up on military service people being “heroes” and all…
These are some reasons to join the military:
for honor
for country
for money
free tuition
travel abroad
“blow shit up”
because you hate brown people
because you hate Muslims
because you think you are going to do something good for our country
because you are politically illiterate
because you want to kill people
for the adventure (good one)
for the hookers near military bases, esp. coastal cities
because you are not disciplined enough to do things on your own and you want somebody else to tell you what to do
because you can’t get a job in the real world
because your buddies “did it”
because you parents did it
because your brothers did it
because it was expected of you
“Taking a stand against terrorism” Yeah right…
for the experience (this is a good one)
to learn new things (good one too)
to protect your country (another good one, if you are not starting wars with random countries and your commander in chief is not an idiot)
for potential prestige (not bad)
work experience (decent, too)
to say you did it
so you won’t be called a chicken-hawk
because it makes you look brave
because people will blindly see you as a hero, even if you don’t deserve the title
because you want to know what a bullet feels like
because you want to play with guns or tanks
because it’s easier to follow orders than to think for yourself
health care benefits
dental benefits
military discounts
free flights between bases
pay back your expensive college loans
get to tell people what to do (at some point)
advanced and technical training (nice choice)
because you think God wants you to (lol)
pension
get to yell at foreign strangers
you enjoy pain
you enjoy inflicting pain
because your recruiter lied to you (ouch)
to get citizenship
to be freed (if you were previously a slave)
to get away from your parents
you lost a bet
to meet exotic women abroad
you don’t care for your right leg (you are hoping you’ll be shot and compensated for it)
you think you owe tribute to fallen soldiers
to take revenge
because you want to kill japs
because you want to kill towelheads
because you want to kill Nazis
to find Osama Bin Laden and kick his ass (probably the greatest reason of all)
to kill real terrorists (not Iraqi civilians)
to kill Iraqi civilians
because you think you can force people to be free, even when their idea of freedom is radically different from yours.
to destroy Al Qaeda (another great reason)
for a good career (maybe)
to take out Saddam Hussein (no longer applicable)
to prepare for a career with the CIA
no more job hunting or resumes
pride
false pride
because you liked the boy scouts or girl scouts
you enjoy fighting
you enjoy martial arts
your parents or the politician near you won’t let you carry guns
you want to learn new languages
you are preparing to work for blackwater
to protect Israel (even though they don’t need or deserve our protection anymore than their neighbors)
because you think it’s your duty (…why?)
you are preparing for a criminal career
because you adore Hitler
because you want to be a skilled, high-profile terrorist
because you think you won’t be in the front lines
because you were drafted
because you were shafted
because your parents made you
because your family is way poor
because you got your high school sweetheart pregnant (need money)
because your girlfriend/boyfriend thinks men/women in uniforms are hot
because you think men/women in uniforms are hot
because you are gay (in the homosexual sense)
to freak your parents out
because your parents asked you not to
because you hate yourself
for the adrenaline rush
you like to go camping/hiking/hunting
to put your parents through hell
because you are not worried about brain damage
because you think you are invincible / indestructible
because you are not worried about amputation / blindness (extremities are redundant anyway)
because you look forward to begging for money on the streets as a war veteran
because you were told you would never see combat
because “more people get killed in NY than in Iraq” every day
because you can “choose any job you want” (hahahaha)
because you are not worried about blatant discrimination
because you detest freedom (your own)
because you didn’t realize there are many other ways to get all of the above
to take part in history (not too bad)
to become an officer (power)
to learn 100 ways to kill someone
to learn to defend yourself
to learn to defend yourself if you ever lead a revolution
because you thought you could quit anytime
because you thought it would be easy
because you want to learn to use nuclear weapons
to fly a jet
to learn to command a helicopter
because it might be funner than Halo
because you want to join a special operations team (even though you probably won’t make it due to competition)
to learn to be a sniper (could be neat)
because you enjoy war movies
because you are not smart enough to do something else
because you’ve always wondered what food in the military tastes like
to march around in funny suits
to join a band and wear funny suits
to clean toilets with only toothbrushes and spit
because it’s cool to get promoted
to challenge yourself (another good one)
to get strong
to get lean
to get in shape
to be prepared in the event of a terrorist attack
because you were abused as a child and want revenge (the training)
to get a free nosejob
free liposuction
free breast enlargement
breast augmentation
facelift
cosmetic surgery (courtesy of Donald Rumsfeld)
your girlfriend/boyfriend wants you to get plastic surgery
because you think you are patriotic
because you don’t realize that the military is making things worse for the United States and the world.
because you think you’ll be defending your country
EDIT: because you worship Bush (one of the worst reasons, probably)
EDIT 2: No, because you worship Giuliani, lol
P.S. Joining the military doesn’t make you a hero; all it takes is a signature.
EDIT 3: I’m not insulting the troops. If you don’t understand satire, don’t bother posting a comment.
Myth Number 1:
“My friends and sons and daughters are dying for your satire and your freedoms.”
No. They are probably in Iraq fighting people who have nothing to do with 9/11.
Myth Number 2:
“By making personal attacks on the author of this article and telling the author how he/she couldn’t write this if it wasn’t for the soldiers he/she is criticizing, I’ll show him/her.”
Wrong. Since I never in this article insult the military, it goes to show just how retarded you are. You continue to validate the list by showing me that people are too stupid to understand politics and satire. When soldiers go to Iraq, they are in NO WAY defending my right to write any of this. Iraqis have NOT threatened my freedom, so there is no need to kill them.
