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Ron Paul team creates artificial intelligence

A series of electronic footprints residing in computer servers around the world pointed to Ron Paul’s campaign’s headquarters. The mostly unpaid team is charged with sending mass campaign emails and creating self-sufficient robots that have populated the internet.

Astrophysicist Stephen Hawkins’ wheelchair was among those hijacked in the process. “The on-board computer on my wheelchair suddenly signed on to and threatened to shut off my air supply if I didn’t enter my credit card number… It then proceeded to spam websites like Digg and facebook.”

Researchers from the Singularity Institute, a non-profit think-tank tasked with creating Friendly Artificial Intelligence suggested schematics on Seed AI were stolen from their lab.

Ray Kurzweil, a lead Artificial Intelligence researcher and author of The Singularity is Near, believes Ron Paul and his team has created a series of intelligent beings with free-will that now roam the web, “it’s was only a matter of time before they organized and began a revolution. It’s not surprising that these free entities would choose a leader that opposes government and regulation. Information wants to be free.”

Although legislators in both houses of congress are ready to label Ron Paul’s internet self-sufficient robots a terrorist threat, it is not clear whether these organisms present a threat to society. An NSA representative neither confirmed nor denied the existence of designer-AI beings roaming the web, nor whether the rumors are cause for concern.

Paul spokesman Jesse Benton said in an e-mail, “This is the first I’ve heard about this situation.”

“If it is true, it could be done by a well-intentioned yet misguided supporter or someone with bad intentions trying to embarrass the campaign,” he wrote while ferrying his boss to tape an appearance on The Tonight Show. “Either way, this is independent work, and we have no connection.”

October 31st, 2007 Posted by eaglescout | Ron Paul, Satire, 2008 Election, Technology | no comments

Ron Paul’s Digg Fame

What’s with all the Ron Paul articles on Digg?

1. Ron Paul supporters are addicted to Ron Paul. They can’t help getting high on diggs.

2. The internet is unregulated. The free market has chosen Ron Paul.

3. Giuliani eats babies.

4. The terrorists can only bury so many Ron Paul articles before their fingers cramp-up.

5. The terrorists haven’t found much to post about Giuliani. Writer’s block.

6. Hillary can’t compete with strippers 4 Ron Paul.

7. The mainstream media didn’t do their homework. Dog ate it.

8. Other candidates don’t get falsely smeared every day, generating thousands of stories for Ron Paul.

9. Other candidates have no support. Ron Paul diggers digg their stories out of pity.

10. Ron Paul doesn’t get dugg. Digg is Ron Pauled.

Now, some real reasons why the internet has a high affinity for Ron Paul.

September 2nd, 2007 Posted by Insidious | Ron Paul, Satire, Truth | no comments

American Trucks Begin Crossing Border Saturday! Now gringos, terrorists, can enter Mexico, too!

MEXICO, Federal District. August 31st, 2007

The first American trucks will begin crossing the border, confirming deeply held fears in Mexico that Mexican sovereignty has been lost. Juan Martínez says, “Terrorists were exclusive to the [United States] but now with the open borders, terrorists can come to Mexico too!”

“What will be of our jobs, now?” Martínez continued. “I just don’t think I can trust gringos to drive safely here in Mexico”.

Martínez, along with others, expressed terror at the thought of being unable to differentiate between American truckers and terrorists.

Julia Guillén de Chapultepéc wonders, “How will we know if the truckers are American or Saudi terrorists? Do they look the same? I don’t know…”

Guillén’s sister Laura is not worried about terrorists. Her fears involve drug trafficking into Mexico: “You hear all these stories about American truckers taking amphetamines and other stimulants to stay awake. Soon our children will be corrupted by drugs, too. We must put an end to this.”

Guillén’s daughter, a fifth grader, is worried that American truckers will bring guns into Mexico. “Americans have no respect for the law. I just know they bring guns into Mexico and sell them in the black market. They also trash our hotels and and leave our toilets unflushed. No wonder our country is going down the sewer”.

“What a slap in the face to Mexican workers, opening the highways to dangerous trucks on Labor Day weekend, an [American] holiday,” said a motor vehicle department official. “Plus, I don’t think these gringo drivers understand how driving works in Mexico. I can estimate a 20% increase in traffic accidents. We must close the borders soon […] My 12-year-old son drives better than the American tourists that rent cars here. One can only imagine the amount of destruction and chaos.”

“But will they understand the road signs? I studied abroad in the United States, and kids my age could hardly read in English,” says Pablo González, who recently graduated from secondary school.

Martínez ended our interview solemly. “With terrorists easily entering Mexico through the United States, we are now vulnerable to terrorism, too.”

Amid public discontent, the borders will nevertheless open, leaving Mexico wide open to terrorists currently residing in America.

Related Reading:

Terrorism: An excuse NOT to think

Mexican Trucks Begin Crossing Border Saturday

August 31st, 2007 Posted by Insidious | Commentary, Satire, Analysis | one comment

Mitt-flopping: 4 out of 10 Romney supporters support Romney.

Out of 10,000; 4,000 voted. Romney has only 40% support among his own supporters. What does this mean?

It means 4 out of 10 Romney supporters support Romney. Or maybe 60% flip-flopped once they got on the bus.

There is a new name for this phenomenon: Mitt-flopping.

Romney is still considering whether he will run as a conservative or as an Islamic terrorist. 5 out of 4 Fox News pundits believe there is no answer to this question. On the issue Romney says:

“If Guantanamo triples in size, it might be a comfortable place to live… So it’s a difficult question, whether I’ll run as an Islamic terrorist, or not. Of course, I can always change my mind afterward, if I do not enjoy the enhanced showers (waterboarding).”


Famous Mitt-Floppers include, Mitt Romney, John Kerry, sleazy used-car salesmen and Iowa voters.

August 13th, 2007 Posted by eaglescout | Politics, Satire, 2008 Election, Truth | no comments

Satire: Reasons to join the military.

As a follow up on military service people being “heroes” and all…

These are some reasons to join the military:

for honor
for country
for money
free tuition
travel abroad
“blow shit up”
because you hate brown people
because you hate Muslims
because you think you are going to do something good for our country
because you are politically illiterate
because you want to kill people
for the adventure (good one)
for the hookers near military bases, esp. coastal cities
because you are not disciplined enough to do things on your own and you want somebody else to tell you what to do
because you can’t get a job in the real world
because your buddies “did it”
because you parents did it
because your brothers did it
because it was expected of you
“Taking a stand against terrorism” Yeah right…
for the experience (this is a good one)
to learn new things (good one too)
to protect your country (another good one, if you are not starting wars with random countries and your commander in chief is not an idiot)
for potential prestige (not bad)
work experience (decent, too)
to say you did it
so you won’t be called a chicken-hawk
because it makes you look brave
because people will blindly see you as a hero, even if you don’t deserve the title
because you want to know what a bullet feels like
because you want to play with guns or tanks
because it’s easier to follow orders than to think for yourself
health care benefits
dental benefits
military discounts
free flights between bases
pay back your expensive college loans
get to tell people what to do (at some point)
advanced and technical training (nice choice)
because you think God wants you to (lol)
get to yell at foreign strangers
you enjoy pain
you enjoy inflicting pain
because your recruiter lied to you (ouch)
to get citizenship
to be freed (if you were previously a slave)
to get away from your parents
you lost a bet
to meet exotic women abroad
you don’t care for your right leg (you are hoping you’ll be shot and compensated for it)
you think you owe tribute to fallen soldiers
to take revenge
because you want to kill japs
because you want to kill towelheads
because you want to kill Nazis
to find Osama Bin Laden and kick his ass (probably the greatest reason of all)
to kill real terrorists (not Iraqi civilians)
to kill Iraqi civilians
because you think you can force people to be free, even when their idea of freedom is radically different from yours.
to destroy Al Qaeda (another great reason)
for a good career (maybe)
to take out Saddam Hussein (no longer applicable)
to prepare for a career with the CIA
no more job hunting or resumes
false pride
because you liked the boy scouts or girl scouts
you enjoy fighting
you enjoy martial arts
your parents or the politician near you won’t let you carry guns
you want to learn new languages
you are preparing to work for blackwater
to protect Israel (even though they don’t need or deserve our protection anymore than their neighbors)
because you think it’s your duty (…why?)
you are preparing for a criminal career
because you adore Hitler
because you want to be a skilled, high-profile terrorist
because you think you won’t be in the front lines
because you were drafted
because you were shafted
because your parents made you
because your family is way poor
because you got your high school sweetheart pregnant (need money)
because your girlfriend/boyfriend thinks men/women in uniforms are hot
because you think men/women in uniforms are hot
because you are gay (in the homosexual sense)
to freak your parents out
because your parents asked you not to
because you hate yourself
for the adrenaline rush
you like to go camping/hiking/hunting
to put your parents through hell
because you are not worried about brain damage
because you think you are invincible / indestructible
because you are not worried about amputation / blindness (extremities are redundant anyway)
because you look forward to begging for money on the streets as a war veteran
because you were told you would never see combat
because “more people get killed in NY than in Iraq” every day
because you can “choose any job you want” (hahahaha)
because you are not worried about blatant discrimination
because you detest freedom (your own)
because you didn’t realize there are many other ways to get all of the above
to take part in history (not too bad)
to become an officer (power)
to learn 100 ways to kill someone
to learn to defend yourself
to learn to defend yourself if you ever lead a revolution
because you thought you could quit anytime
because you thought it would be easy
because you want to learn to use nuclear weapons
to fly a jet
to learn to command a helicopter
because it might be funner than Halo
because you want to join a special operations team (even though you probably won’t make it due to competition)
to learn to be a sniper (could be neat)
because you enjoy war movies
because you are not smart enough to do something else
because you’ve always wondered what food in the military tastes like
to march around in funny suits
to join a band and wear funny suits
to clean toilets with only toothbrushes and spit
because it’s cool to get promoted
to challenge yourself (another good one)
to get strong
to get lean
to get in shape
to be prepared in the event of a terrorist attack
because you were abused as a child and want revenge (the training)
to get a free nosejob
free liposuction
free breast enlargement
breast augmentation
cosmetic surgery (courtesy of Donald Rumsfeld)
your girlfriend/boyfriend wants you to get plastic surgery
because you think you are patriotic
because you don’t realize that the military is making things worse for the United States and the world.
because you think you’ll be defending your country

EDIT: because you worship Bush (one of the worst reasons, probably)
EDIT 2: No, because you worship Giuliani, lol

P.S. Joining the military doesn’t make you a hero; all it takes is a signature.

EDIT 3: I’m not insulting the troops. If you don’t understand satire, don’t bother posting a comment.

Myth Number 1:
“My friends and sons and daughters are dying for your satire and your freedoms.”

No. They are probably in Iraq fighting people who have nothing to do with 9/11.

Myth Number 2:
“By making personal attacks on the author of this article and telling the author how he/she couldn’t write this if it wasn’t for the soldiers he/she is criticizing, I’ll show him/her.”

Wrong. Since I never in this article insult the military, it goes to show just how retarded you are. You continue to validate the list by showing me that people are too stupid to understand politics and satire. When soldiers go to Iraq, they are in NO WAY defending my right to write any of this. Iraqis have NOT threatened my freedom, so there is no need to kill them.

August 10th, 2007 Posted by VoiceOfReason | Blowback, nine-eleven, Commentary, Military, Satire, Analysis, Iraq War, Al-Qaeda, No Spin At All, Freedom, Truth | 41 comments

Vote for your favorite Rudy slogan; he really needs your help!

1. Rudy: His kids hate him, but your kids hate you too

2. Rudy: When fire fighters in your own city hate you, they must be terrorists

3. Rudy : Because 9/11 happened on that fateful day of 9/11. Let’s not forget 9/11. 9/11″

4. Rudy: Respect my AuthoritAY” (Eric Cartman knockoff)

5. Rudy: Ignorance is bliss

6. Rudy: Now available in Woman Form!

7. Rudy: Death to Ferrets
Youtube: Tucker on Giuliani’s hatred of ferrets / Ferrets for Freedom

8. Rudy: War is Peace
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength

8. Rudy: When God won’t even let you talk at the debates, you know you’re right!”

9. Rudy: Who cares about freedom anyway?”

10. Rudy: Strong where it counts! Just ask his cousin

11. Rudy: *Godfather music playing in background* “you wouldn’t want nothin’ bad to happen to your city, now would ya?

12. Rudy: Is Rudy going to have to divorce a bitch?

13. Rudy: America’s mayor, because NY hates him

14. Rudy: He’ll marry the war on terror so it will be over in 2 years!

15. Rudy: Because Bush didn’t go far enough

16. Rudy: Because he’ll TRIPLE Guantanamo. Doubling is for pussies.

17. Rudy: “It’s about time law enforcement got as organized as organized crime.”

18. Rudy: Because if it doesn’t start with a 9 and end with an 11, its not important

19. Rudy: “Thank God George Bush is our President!”

20. Rudy: Because the dress does fit.

21. Rudy: Because taking shits on the constitution is fun.

22. Rudy: Give me your freedoms. I’ll keep them safe for you.

23. Rudy: Because we look upon authority too often and focus over and over again, for 30 or 40 or 50 years, as if there is something wrong with authority. We see only the oppressive side of authority. Maybe it comes out of our history and our background. What we don’t see is that freedom is not a concept in which people can do anything they want, be anything they can be. Freedom is about authority. Freedom is about the willingness of every single human being to cede to lawful authority a great deal of discretion about what you do.

24. Rudy: because the constitution now comes in two-ply

25. Rudy: 9/11

26. Rudy: We have nukes!

27. Rudy: They have nukes!

28. Rudy: On to Iran! We will be greeted as liberators!

29. Rudy ‘12: On to Syria and Sudan!

30. Rudy ‘12: “Im sorry.”

31. Rudy ’16: Rudy 16: Yeah, I can run again

32. Rudy 08: Endorsed by former mayor Penguin!
Mayor Penguin / Penguin Giuliani

33. Rudy: Ferrets are terrorists too

34. Rudy ‘08: A vote to end all votes!

35. Rudy: Because Polygamy isn’t reserved for Mitt and the Mormons.

36. Rudy: “There is something deranged about you. … The excessive concern you have for ferrets is something you should examine with a therapist. … There is something really, really very sad about you. … This excessive concern with little weasels is a sickness. … You should go consult a psychologist. … Your compulsion about—your excessive concern with it is a sign that there is something wrong in your personality. … You have a sickness, and I know it’s hard for you to accept that. … You need help.”

37. Rudy: You need help.

38. Rudy: Freedom is about authority.
Sex is about rape.
Childhood is about patricide.

39. Rudy: Because America needs to rule the world.

40. Rudy: Because I said so.

41. Rudy: Because free speech is overrated.

42. Rudy: “I have you wife and child here with me. If you want to ever see them alive again, you’ll vote for me! Got it?!”

43. Rudy: Because they hate us for our freedom. Get rid of our freedoms, get rid of the hate.

Compiled by Matt Estlund from facebook users.

Vote damnit. Rudy really needs your input.

Is this thread really necessary? - facebook user

Yes, Rudy asked me to help him figure out what really draws the younger crowd into his campaign. - Matt Estlund

July 17th, 2007 Posted by eaglescout | Satire, Freedom, No Spin At All, 2008 Election, Truth | no comments

Vote Rudy Mussolini !

Rudy Mussolini

Click on the picture to enlarge.

Vote Giuliani / Hitler ‘08 !

Photo taken by Matt Estlund on 7/12/07 at Giuliani Headquarters.

July 12th, 2007 Posted by eaglescout | Satire, Truth | 2 comments

Nanny Giuliani

Nanny Giuliani (AKA Julie Nanny)

Rudy wants to be your nanny and tell you what to do. He hates your freedoms.

He’ll slam the cookie jar on your hand.
He’ll put your ferret to sleep and cook it for dinner.
He’ll spank you* when you don’t finish your ferret.
He’ll force you to sleep at 9:11 every night.
He’ll scare you with WTC stories so you won’t leave your room.
(And there’s a terrorist in your closet).
He makes your friends take off their shoes at home to check for shoe-bombs.
He beats you* and tortures when your RFID chip is not functional**
He dresses and speaks like Mrs. Doubtfire when he invites Trump over.
He warns you there will be another 9/11 if you are not good.
He won’t shut up about 9/11 even for the 9 minutes and 11 seconds you are allowed to watch TV***
He’ll punish you* for writing in Arabic numerals.
He once locked your friend Gibran in your ferret cage and threatened to waterboard him until he admitted he hated your freedoms.

*With a mangled 9/11 beam.
**Because you might not be you.
***You are only allowed to watch FOX news; and commercials count.


Right-wing Authoritarianism

Anti-social personality disorder


June 30th, 2007 Posted by eaglescout | Satire, 2008 Election, Neoconservatives, Terrorism | one comment

The media keeps spamming us with Rudy Giuliani!

Developing story…

June 6th, 2007 Posted by eaglescout | Satire, 2008 Election, Strategy, Terrorism, Truth | no comments

Why I won’t vote for Ron Paul.

Select as many as apply:

I want a president with a low IQ (I’m voting for Giuliani)
I support a police state (Giuliani)
I want a candidate who worships Bush, the worst ex-president ever (Giuliani)
I will vote for a woman even if she doesn’t stand for anything just because we can’t let countries like Indonesia be the only ones which have had a female president. (Clinton)
I only vote for candidates with disfigured faces or heavy plastic surgery. (McCain, Clinton).
I support polygamy (Giuliani) and will never vote for Paul or Romney.
I hate ferrets (Giuliani)

Fried Ferret

I want to outlaw jaywalking and torture jaywalkers in this country (Giuliani)
I want to outlaw videogames, especially if they are violent (Clinton).
I have no understanding of right and wrong (Giuliani, Romney, Tancredo).
I like killing innocent civilians and interfering wth other countries (Bush [write-in])
I support terrorism (Giuliani, Bush [write-in], Romney).
I am an ignorant bastard (Tancredo, Giuliani)
I just want a black president, even if he is not 51% black (Obama).
I don’t want to know what my candidate stands for until after the elections (Clinton, Obama).
I hate my country and want it destroyed by the hatred of our old allies (Bush [write-in], Giuliani, Bolton [write-in])
I like Osama Bin Laden. It makes for entertaining news! (Bush [write-in], Giuliani)
We can’t forget 9/11, 9-11, 9.11, September 11, nine-eleven, … (Giuliani)
I want all internet communications controlled by the government, and I don’t mind being labelled a terrorist (Gingrich).
My ideal government is a police state (Giuliani, Gingrich)
Terror alerts give me an adrenaline rush (Giuliani, Bush [write-in], Gingrich).
I am a terrorist
(Giuliani, Bush [write-in], Gingrich]
I am Osama Bin Laden (Giuliani, Bush [write-in], Gingrich)
I enjoy self-inflicted wounds (Giuliani, Bush [write-in], Gingrich)
I support the Daily Show and the Colbert Report, and they need material (Giuliani, Bush [write-in], Clinton, Tancredo, Al Gore [write-in], Bolton [write-in]).
I love fear-mongers (Bush [write-in], Giuliani, Al Gore).
We must win the war on FIRE!
I hide behind patriotism (Giuliani, Bush [write-in], McCain)
I want an illiterate idiot for president (Giuliani, Bush [write-in])
We can accelerate the arrival of the second-coming! (Bush [write-in], Giuiliani])
I love the idea of a new draft, especially with all the explosive new developments! (Edwards)
I’m too lazy to learn Spanish or get a job (Tancredo)
I want a W clone who can pretend - through acting - he isn’t one (Thompson)

Also because:

Ron Paul, like our founding fathers, is an extremist.
After 8 years of experience, Bush might make a good president, yet!
I’d like to use the constitution as toilet paper, given the chance.

June 2nd, 2007 Posted by eaglescout | Satire, 2008 Election, War on Fire, Terrorism, Iraq War | 11 comments